Thank God for the newts.
Someone remembered where the border is.
Thank God for the Newts was inspired by the extraordinary spectacle of a protected species succeeding where successive governments appear to have struggled. When politicians promise stronger borders while migrants continue arriving, it takes an endangered amphibian to accidentally halt progress. RebelliousBard doesn’t blame the newts. They’re simply doing what nature intended. The joke is that a creature weighing a few grams can apparently enforce a line more effectively than an entire political class. Somewhere between environmental law, immigration policy and official priorities, satire quietly gave up trying to exaggerate. The newts carried on regardless.
Population, three hundred and something.
Proposed arrivals, twelve hundred and fifty-six.
Consultation complete.
Apparently.
Whitehall found a little village
Quiet place, not much around
Perfect spot for twelve hundred men
Four times everyone in town
Don’t say migrants, that’s divisive
“Twelve hundred men” is more correct
Though strangely when they wore uniforms
Nobody seemed quite so upset
Residents said, “This seems excessive”
Government said, “Concerns are heard”
Which is Whitehall for “Thanks for writing”
“We’ll completely disregard”
So they held a referendum
This was apparently Plan B
If Westminster won’t listen
Piddington will simply leave
Raise the flag
Declare the state
Print the passports
Shut the gate
Three hundred people
Standing proud
Independent Britain
With a slightly smaller crowd
Westminster remained strangely calm
About losing sovereignty
Funny.
That used to be
quite important.
Thank God for the newts
Thank God for the newts
The people weren’t sufficient
But the amphibians might do it
You can plead
You can vote
You can march
You can shout
But find a protected species
And the lawyers all come out
Thank God for the newts
Britain’s finest little troops
The village couldn’t stop it
Thank God
for the fucking newts
Then the politicians smelled it
So naturally they came
Everyone opposed the chaos
Everyone assigned the blame
Rupert came to back the village
Reform came to make its case
Suella came to inspect the mess
With an interestingly straight face
Former Home Secretary
Touring immigration’s wake
Standing by the consequences
Looking shocked at what they make
Then the patriots weren’t welcome
Then the arguments began
Who is authorised to protest?
Please consult the protest plan
Wrong support
Wrong campaign
Wrong objection
Try again
Everybody wants the cameras
Nobody accepts the blame
Thank God for the newts
Thank God for the newts
The people weren’t sufficient
But the amphibians might do it
You can plead
You can vote
You can march
You can shout
But find a protected species
And the lawyers all come out
Thank God for the newts
Britain’s finest little troops
The village couldn’t stop it
Thank God
for the fucking newts
Then the village found its villain
Living somewhere down the lane
Neighbours calling neighbours racist
That should calm things down again
Welcome people
Welcome strangers
Tolerance is what we need
Just don’t question scale or numbers
That’s apparently bigotry
Meanwhile Piddington has left us
Constitutionally unclear
Nobody told the King about it
But independence starts from here
They’ve got borders
They’ve got voters
They’ve got outrage
They’ve got press
All they need’s a currency
And someone competent, I guess
Then…
A pond.
A ripple.
Something moved.
Stop the meeting.
What’s that?
Great crested newt.
Protected?
Very.
Oh.
Fuck.
Three hundred residents?
Not decisive.
Two hundred and eighty-five votes?
Advisory.
Council objections?
Under consideration.
Local infrastructure?
Being assessed.
Great crested newt?
EVERYBODY
STOP
WHAT
YOU’RE
FUCKING
DOING.
Thank God for the newts
Thank God for the newts
Democracy was optional
But wildlife legislation isn’t
You can plead
You can vote
You can beg
You can scoot
But never underestimate
A legally protected newt
Thank God for the newts
Britain’s last effective troops
Forget the village referendum
Send in
the fucking newts
Residents consulted.
Concerns acknowledged.
Democracy respected.
Development proceeding.
Subject, naturally,
to the newts.