The Skills Revolution is underway.
All 160 of them.
160 was inspired by the sort of government announcement that arrives with banners, strategies, toolkits and enough triumphant language to suggest Brunel has risen from the grave and started taking apprentices. The ambition is up to 30,000 foundation apprenticeship starts over this Parliament. Eight months into the figures, there were 160. Not 16,000. Not 1,600. One hundred and sixty. You could launch the revolution from a moderately ambitious village hall and still have chairs left over. Naturally, there are promotional materials, employer factsheets and social-media assets to help things along, because when young people need actual opportunities, nothing gets the blood pumping quite like a downloadable toolkit. The funny part is the enormous distance between the announcement and the number. The less funny part is that behind every grand promise are young people waiting for somebody to deliver it. Still, early days. Thirty thousand are coming. Apparently. In the meantime, Finger Puppet Monthly sends its condolences.
Sound the drums
Unfurl the flag
Britain’s skills are fighting back
Thirty thousand
That’s the plan
Transform the workforce
While we can
Eight months in
The figures came
One hundred and sixty
Joined the game
Not quite the army
We had in mind
But revolutions
Take some time
Launch the vision
Print the plan
Tell the press
It’s all in hand
Transformation
Has begun
All one hundred
And sixty-one…
Sorry.
One hundred and sixty.
THE SKILLS REVOLUTION!
Britain leads the way
Thirty thousand opportunities
Are coming any day
Raise the flag
Sound the drums
Tell the nation change has come
The Skills Revolution marches on
All
one hundred
and sixty
of them
Finger Puppet Monthly
Sent a note today
“Sorry about your numbers.
Hope they pick up, anyway.”
The Left-Handed Spoon Society
Booked a larger room
Competitive Shed Painting
Had to add another Zoom
Piddington held a referendum
Three hundred turned up there
Labour launched a revolution
And couldn’t fill
the village square
Book a venue
Nothing grand
Someone’s nan
Has got some land
Cancel Wembley
Cancel Leeds
Her gazebo
Should meet our needs
THE SKILLS REVOLUTION!
Britain leads the way
Thirty thousand opportunities
Are coming any day
Raise the flag
Sound the drums
Tell the nation change has come
The Skills Revolution marches on
All
one hundred
and sixty
of them
Only one hundred and sixty?
Launch a toolkit.
Still one hundred and sixty?
Employer factsheet.
Still?
Social media assets.
Still?
PowerPoint.
Still?
Add an incentive.
Still?
Perhaps the revolution
Hasn’t seen the email.
Don’t call it “slow”
Call it “early”
Don’t say “tiny”
Say “emerging”
Don’t say “nobody turned up”
Say “initial cohort”
Don’t say “where the fuck are they?”
Say…
“Further engagement
and promotional activity
is planned.”
Nearly a million young people
Waiting for a start
Government promises a ladder
Then forgets the bottom part
Thirty thousand on the banner
One-six-zero through the door
Plenty learned the first great lesson:
Don’t believe
the brochure
THE SKILLS REVOLUTION!
Britain leads the way
Thirty thousand opportunities
Are coming any day
Raise the flag
Sound the drums
Tell the nation change has come
The Skills Revolution marches on
One hundred and sixty strong
THE SKILLS REVOLUTION!
Thirty thousand planned!
THE SKILLS REVOLUTION!
One hundred and sixty
actually came
Don’t worry.
There’s a toolkit.