BARD RECORDS

Tag: home-feature

  • Food Court Cathedral

    Food Court Cathedral



    PRE™

    Consumption has its rituals.
    Every ritual requires somewhere to gather.

    Food Court Cathedral turns an ordinary shopping-centre food court into a place of worship built from brands, promotions and routine. Meals become communion, advertising becomes scripture and the passing of time is measured in seasonal menus and limited offers. Beneath all the polished surfaces, the people remain recognisably human: bored workers, exhausted parents, teenagers, pensioners and diners repeating the same familiar rituals. PRE does not need to build the cathedral. It merely understands the congregation.

    Food Court Cathedral



    ► PRE™ • Food Court Cathedral • The Adjustment Period BUY
    TEXT

    Attention customers
    The food court is now entering evening service
    Please consume responsibly
    Please consume continuously

    Plastic palm trees underneath skylight rain
    Children trading dopamine for arcade tickets
    Teen romance glowing in sodium light
    By the frozen yoghurt counter every Friday night
    Old men staring through steam from paper cups
    Like prophets waiting for the escalators upward
    Every surface polished into artificial heaven
    Every smile rehearsed by marketing departments
    Orange trays stacked like communion plates
    Salt and grease perfume the air vents
    Security cameras blooming red in the corners
    Tiny electronic gods above the diners
    The smoothie stand worker repeats the same phrase
    Nine hundred times beneath the neon haze

    Refill
    Upgrade
    Combo meal salvation
    Limited-time transcendence

    Food Court Cathedral
    Pray beneath fluorescent stars
    Food Court Cathedral
    Plastic saints behind the bars
    French fry halos, soda-stream dreams
    Everything glowing in synthetic beams
    Everybody eating like the world might end
    Under holy light from the vending machines

    Teenagers orbit the Sbarro shrine
    Trading counterfeit futures for mozzarella slices
    Businessmen vibrating from caffeine storms
    Reading economic collapse beside the napkin dispensers
    The janitor moves like a tired ghost
    Mopping up after the lunchtime apostles
    Corporate banners hanging from the ceiling
    Promotion Is Happiness printed in smiling letters
    Somewhere a birthday party screams itself hoarse
    While exhausted parents stare into middle distance
    Tiny sneakers squeaking against polished tile
    Like anxious rodents trapped in capitalism
    Outside the parking lot flickers in heat
    Rows of identical cars waiting silently

    You could spend your entire life here
    Breakfast… lunch… dinner… decay
    Seasonal menus replacing the passage of time
    Nobody notices the windows never open

    Eat Eat Eat Eat
    Consume Consume Consume
    Happy Hour Salvation
    Buy One Get One Free

    Food Court Cathedral
    Pray beneath fluorescent stars
    Food Court Cathedral
    Plastic saints behind the bars
    French fry halos, soda-stream dreams
    Everything glowing in synthetic beams
    Everybody eating like the world might end
    Under holy light from the vending machines

    Food Court Cathedral
    Every prayer comes with a brand
    Food Court Cathedral
    Tiny kingdoms built on snack stands
    Neon sermons, processed grace
    Barcode numbers take your place
    Everybody smiling while the speakers sang
    Nothing holy left beneath the clang

    Attention customers
    The cathedral is now closed
    Please exit through the gift shop
    And thank you for your appetite

    The Adjustment Period PRE™

  • Captcha for the Damned

    Captcha for the Damned



    PRE™

    Humanity can be verified.
    Please complete the required checks.

    Captcha for the Damned follows the endless exchange between people and systems that require increasingly intimate proof of who they are. Faces, fingerprints, memories, behaviour and attention become verification data while the individual behind them becomes progressively less important. The machine is satisfied only when humanity can be measured, categorised and stored. Failure to demonstrate yours correctly will require another attempt.

    Captcha for the Damned



    ► PRE™ • Captcha for the Damned • The Adjustment Period BUY
    TEXT

    Verification required
    Please confirm you are still human
    Please select all images containing emotional stability

    Phone screen glowing like a tiny confession booth
    Every thumbprint feeding the machine more proof
    Security questions harvesting childhood ghosts
    Mother’s maiden name sold to advertising firms
    Dead-eyed commuters scrolling apocalypse feeds
    Past a hundred targeted anxiety campaigns
    Every app demanding blood samples politely
    Every update rewriting personality traits
    Smile for the facial recognition gate
    Smile wider for the behavioural database
    Terms and conditions stretching endlessly downward
    Like digital scripture nobody survives reading
    Push notification screaming through REM sleep
    Your Attention Span Has Expired

    Click here
    Verify
    Confirm your breathing pattern
    Traffic lights
    Bicycles
    Crosswalks
    Hydrants

    Captcha For The Damned
    Prove your soul to the machine
    Captcha For The Damned
    Pixel judgement on the screen
    Algorithm saints and data thieves
    Selling custom-built identities
    Everybody trapped inside the scan
    Dancing for the server farm again

    Influencers crying beneath ring-light suns
    Livestream breakdowns monetized for six months
    Every conversation filtered into metrics
    Every memory compressed into statistics
    Corporate wellness bots asking if you’re fine
    While harvesting emotional response patterns
    Tiny dopamine casinos in your pocket
    Keeping lonely people productively addicted
    Children learning brand loyalty before language
    Teenagers performing personalities for strangers
    The cloud storage towers hum through the night
    Like electronic insects feeding on private life
    Nobody remembers silence anymore
    The advertisements learned everybody’s fears

    Please wait
    Your humanity is processing
    Estimated verification time
    Forever

    I Am Not A Robot
    I Am Not A Robot
    I Am Not A Robot
    Error Error Error Error

    Captcha For The Damned
    Prove your soul to the machine
    Captcha For The Damned
    Pixel judgement on the screen
    Algorithm saints and data thieves
    Selling custom-built identities
    Everybody trapped inside the scan
    Dancing for the server farm again

    Captcha For The Damned
    Every heartbeat quantified
    Captcha For The Damned
    Nothing left that isn’t mined
    Digital ghosts and captive dreams
    Life reduced to glowing screens
    Everybody begging to be seen
    By machines too dead to care

    Verification failed
    Please try again
    Please try again
    Please try again

    The Adjustment Period PRE™
  • (Advert) Human Verify [Identity Services]

    (Advert) Human Verify [Identity Services]



    PRE™

    Trust requires uncertainty.
    Verification does not.

    Human Verify™ presents PRE’s Identity Services as a convenient alternative to the increasingly unreliable practice of believing people. Biometrics, behaviour, emotion and voice are combined into a single verified identity, allowing trust to be replaced by something measurable. Once successfully authenticated, customers may continue with the reassuring knowledge that their humanity has been formally acknowledged.

    (Advert) Human Verify [Identity Services]



    ► PRE™ • (Advert) Human Verify [Identity Services] • The Adjustment Period BUY
    TEXT

    Human Verify™
    Because trust is obsolete.

    Retina scan and fingerprint proof
    Emotional pattern authentication
    Voice stress analysis complete
    Citizen profile successfully updated

    Verify
    Confirm
    Comply
    Proceed

    Warning
    unverified humanity detected

    Thank you for your continued existence

    The Adjustment Period PRE™

  • Productivity Is Freedom

    Productivity Is Freedom



    PRE™

    Happiness has improved.
    There is still room for improvement.

    Productivity Is Freedom turns the PRE philosophy inward, where optimisation is no longer something offered to customers but expected of employees. Performance, wellbeing, sleep and even enthusiasm become measurable workplace outputs, while exhaustion is quietly reclassified as underperformance. PRE provides mindfulness, motivational guidance and every available opportunity for personal improvement. The quarterly targets remain unchanged.

    Productivity Is Freedom



    ► PRE™ • Productivity Is Freedom • The Adjustment Period BUY
    TEXT

    Good morning, valued employee
    Your happiness metrics have improved by 3.4%
    Remember… productivity is freedom

    Open-plan office like a fluorescent prison
    Motivational slogans crawling up the walls
    Middle managers speaking in algorithm phrases
    Synergy meetings draining years from faces
    Standing desks lined in perfect formation
    Coffee breath and quiet resignation
    Every keyboard sounds like rainfall in hell
    Every email marked High Importance forever
    Human Resources smiling without blinking
    Teaching mindfulness between budget cuts
    Water cooler gossip turning paranoid
    Someone got replaced by automation quietly
    The intern hasn’t seen daylight for weeks
    Still posting hustle quotes on LinkedIn nightly
    Promotion Is A State Of Mind
    Printed beside the biometric time clock

    Optimize
    Monetize
    Gamify your nervous system
    Performance review pending

    Productivity Is Freedom
    That’s what the banners say
    Productivity Is Freedom
    Work yourself into the grave
    Coffee stains and dry-eye pain
    Artificial sunlight in your brain
    Everybody smiling through collapse
    For employee-of-the-month champagne

    CEO podcast preaching morning discipline
    Five AM ice baths for market dominance
    Corporate wellness seminars feel vaguely military
    Breathing exercises sponsored by insurance firms
    Every app tracking calorie intake
    Sleep efficiency and emotional output
    Tiny graphs judging private behaviour
    Colour-coded anxiety dashboards glowing softly
    The break room television loops success stories
    Nobody there believes anymore
    One employee crying in the fire escape
    Still answering Slack messages automatically
    Lunch gets eaten over spreadsheets again
    The photocopier jams like a dying animal
    Outside the windows the city burns slowly
    Nobody leaves before the quarterly targets

    You are not tired
    You are underperforming
    Please return to your workstation
    And continue optimizing yourself

    Rise And Grind
    Rise And Grind
    Rise And Grind

    Maximize Shareholder Value

    Productivity Is Freedom
    That’s what the banners say
    Productivity Is Freedom
    Work yourself into the grave
    Coffee stains and dry-eye pain
    Artificial sunlight in your brain
    Everybody smiling through collapse
    For employee-of-the-month champagne

    Productivity Is Freedom
    Every second monetized
    Productivity Is Freedom
    Nothing human survives optimized
    Calendar alerts and stimulant dreams
    Burnout hidden behind the screens
    Everybody running on empty fumes
    Still applauding in the meeting rooms

    Reminder…
    Unused vacation days will expire automatically
    Have a productive evening

    The Adjustment Period PRE™

  • (Advert) FamilyFun [Entertainment Complex]

    (Advert) FamilyFun [Entertainment Complex]



    PRE™

    Childhood creates memories.
    PRE guarantees them.

    FamilyFun™ introduces PRE’s all-inclusive approach to family entertainment, where birthdays, games, food and carefully engineered excitement are conveniently gathered beneath one roof. Every visit creates memories, rewards participation and provides another opportunity to return. Children remaining after closing time will not be abandoned. Their continued engagement is valuable to us.

    (Advert) FamilyFun [Entertainment Complex]



    ► PRE™ • (Advert) FamilyFun [Entertainment Complex] • The Adjustment Period BUY
    TEXT

    This Weekend Only
    At Familyfun™ Megaplex

    Laser lights and pizza dreams
    Birthday packages and dopamine streams
    Animatronic mascots know your name
    Every visit rewires your brain

    Familyfun™
    Everybody Smile
    Familyfun™
    Stay For A While

    Children remaining after closing time
    Will be absorbed into the rewards program

    Familyfun™
    Memories Guaranteed Forever

    The Adjustment Period PRE™
  • Fax Machine Heartbreak

    Fax Machine Heartbreak



    PRE™

    Some messages arrive too late.
    Others never quite leave.

    Fax Machine Heartbreak looks back at the imperfect machines people once trusted with important things. Answering machines, cassette tapes, payphones and fax lines preserve voices badly, allowing memories to fade, distort and occasionally return without warning. Technology moves on, but the messages left behind continue repeating for anyone still listening. Eventually even that private nostalgia is interrupted. PRE would like your attention back.

    Fax Machine Heartbreak



    ► PRE™ • Fax Machine Heartbreak • The Adjustment Period BUY
    TEXT

    Message received
    Message unclear
    Please hold

    Answering machine blinking in an empty flat
    Three AM television glowing pale blue static
    Cheap blinds rattling against rainy windows
    Somebody smoking quietly on the fire escape
    Your voice trapped inside cassette tape fragments
    Played back softer every passing week
    Old receipts scattered beside cold coffee cups
    Like evidence from a failed relationship
    The radiator knocks in uneven rhythms
    Neighbours arguing through paper-thin walls
    Late-night infomercials promise transformation
    Nobody on the screen looks fully alive
    Streetlights bleeding through nicotine curtains
    Everything smells faintly electrical tonight

    Leave a message after the tone
    Leave a message after the tone

    Fax Machine Heartbreak
    Static where your voice should be
    Fax Machine Heartbreak
    Love lost in bad fidelity
    Neon reflections, midnight trains
    Dead phone lines and window rain
    Everybody searching for connection
    Through machines too old to care

    Payphone numbers fading from memory
    Tiny human moments swallowed by progress
    Photocopied photographs losing detail slowly
    Faces dissolving into grain and shadows
    Somewhere downtown the last video store closes
    Without ceremony or final applause
    Taxi lights drift across wet concrete
    Like tired satellites above the city
    You said forever through distorted speakers
    I still hear it in electrical hums
    The fax machine screams in the next room suddenly
    Like the building itself remembered something
    Morning arrives colourless and exhausted
    Another transmission nobody answers

    Maybe every machine remembers us a little
    Tiny ghosts trapped in the circuitry
    Repeating old messages forever

    Call Waiting
    Call Waiting
    Call Waiting

    Fax Machine Heartbreak
    Static where your voice should be
    Fax Machine Heartbreak
    Love lost in bad fidelity
    Neon reflections, midnight trains
    Dead phone lines and window rain
    Everybody searching for connection
    Through machines too old to care

    Fax Machine Heartbreak
    Every memory degrades with time
    Fax Machine Heartbreak
    Your last words trapped between the lines
    Signal fading, tape decay
    Some feelings never transmit clean
    Everybody haunted by the ghosts
    Inside forgotten answering machines

    Message deleted
    Message deleted
    Please remain entertained

    The Adjustment Period PRE™
  • Neon Autopsy

    Neon Autopsy



    PRE™

    The future arrived early.
    The warranty has since expired.

    Neon Autopsy cuts into the polished optimism of the eighties and examines what was underneath. Shopping malls, MTV, video stores, advertising, credit and manufactured rebellion offered a future of endless choice while quietly teaching an entire culture how to consume itself. The decade eventually ended. Many of its promises simply changed packaging.

    Neon Autopsy



    ► PRE™ • Neon Autopsy • The Adjustment Period BUY
    TEXT

    Attention shoppers
    The future is now operational
    Please remain calm while the century recalibrates

    Shopping mall glowing like a nuclear sunrise
    Orange Julius vapor and artificial fries
    Teenagers orbit the arcade machines
    Learning self-worth from fluorescent screens
    Every storefront screaming personality
    Mass-produced rebellion in multiple sizes
    Corporate mannequins with cocaine smiles
    Posing for the end of western civilization
    Credit card chrome reflects dead eyes
    MTV bleeding into twenty-four-hour lies
    Security guards drifting through fake palm trees
    Like priests in the church of consumer disease
    The fountains smell faintly metallic tonight
    Somebody spray-painted love is a product outside

    Buy now
    Act now
    Upgrade your loneliness
    Limited time only

    Neon Autopsy
    Cut the decade open wide
    Neon Autopsy
    See the circuitry inside
    Plastic dreams and shopping scars
    Satellite gods and rental cars
    Everybody dancing while the ceiling caved
    Smiling like the future could still be saved

    Video rental aisles like sacred tombs
    Action movie prophets predicting doom
    Kids eating microwave popcorn dinners
    Watching game shows crown temporary winners
    Fitness instructors on cathode-ray tape
    Teaching aerobic routines for escaping fate
    Every politician looked chemically preserved
    Every advertisement screamed you deserve more
    Payphones ringing with nobody there
    Static electricity thick in the air
    Synthesizers buzzing like mosquito swarms
    Wall Street feeding on synthetic storms
    The entire planet wrapped in mirrored glass
    Disco smoke drifting through the upper class

    Somewhere behind the static
    Somebody realized the future felt cheap
    But the music kept playing anyway

    More More More More
    Stay Beautiful
    Stay Productive
    Stay Entertained
    Dance through the collapse

    Neon Autopsy
    Cut the decade open wide
    Neon Autopsy
    See the circuitry inside
    Plastic dreams and shopping scars
    Satellite gods and rental cars
    Everybody dancing while the ceiling caved
    Smiling like the future could still be saved

    Neon Autopsy
    Every channel sold a different truth
    Neon Autopsy
    Everybody worshipped plastic youth
    Laser lights and credit schemes
    Synthetic love and nicotine dreams
    Everybody laughing while the markets burned
    Nobody noticed when the future turned

    Attention shoppers
    The eighties are now closed
    Please collect your belongings
    And your manufactured memories

    The Adjustment Period PRE™
  • (Transmission) Wellness Update

    (Transmission) Wellness Update



    PRE™

    Rest has been measured.
    Results remain encouraging.

    Wellness Update reports on the continuing success of PRE’s consumer wellbeing programme. Sleep, dreams, emotional stability and recovery are reduced to performance indicators, allowing something as private as rest to be assessed against agreed objectives. The results are reassuring: turbulence is declining, efficiency is improving and consumer wellbeing remains comfortably within expected parameters. Thank you for resting responsibly.

    (Transmission) Wellness Update



    ► PRE™ • (Transmission) Wellness Update • The Adjustment Period BUY
    TEXT

    Consumer wellness update
    Sleep quality targets improving

    Rest compliance remains above projections
    Dream stability continues to increase
    Emotional turbulence declining steadily
    Consumer recovery objectives achieved

    Wellness Update
    Objectives achieved
    Wellness Update
    Objectives achieved

    Night-time engagement reduced
    Rest efficiency improving
    Consumer wellbeing remains within expected parameters

    Wellness Update
    Objectives achieved
    Dream Quality
    Continues to improve
    Wellness Update
    Objectives achieved

    Thank you for resting responsibly

    The Adjustment Period PRE™
  • Buh-Bye Keir

    Buh-Bye Keir



    REBELLIOUSBARD

    The bags are packed.
    The damage isn’t.

    Buh-Bye Keir is RebelliousBard’s thoroughly unsentimental farewell to Keir Starmer after a premiership that lasted less than two years. Farmers, pensioners, immigration, taxation, two-tier justice and the endless procession of nicknames all get one final outing as the song surveys what RebelliousBard regards as an extraordinarily destructive period of government. There is no gracious send-off and no sudden outbreak of respect for the office. Starmer is leaving; the argument here is that Britain still has to live with what he leaves behind.

    Buh-Bye Keir



    ► RebelliousBard • Buh-Bye Keir • Please Sir, Can I Have Some More? BUY
    FOR THE RECORD

    Oh Keir Starmer… finally packing your bags
    Two years too late, but who’s counting?

    Two Tier Keir, never here when it mattered most
    Captain Hindsight, always late to the post
    Sir Kid Starver, Free Gear Keir in your fancy suit
    Starmer the Farmer Harmer — what an absolute hoot
    Taxed the land, froze out the old, cut the fuel in the cold
    While the boats kept coming and the stories were sold

    You smiled for the cameras, said change is here
    While the country fell apart year after year

    Buh bye Keir, don’t let the door hit your chin
    Two Tier Keir, finally packing it in
    Captain Hindsight with your free gear and spin
    The country’s breathing , now the mess begins
    Buh bye Keir, what a legacy of pain
    Destroyed the farmers, froze out the old again
    Two Tier Keir, never here when we needed you most
    Just another suit selling lies coast to coast

    You promised the world, delivered the knife
    Taxed the inheritance, ended rural life
    Pensioners freezing while the boats sailed in
    Media protected you through thick and thin
    Sir Kid Starver with your moral high ground
    Left kids in danger while the numbers compound
    Free Gear Keir taking whatever he can
    While the rest of us suffered under your plan

    Buh bye Keir, don’t let the door hit your chin

    Two years too late, you finally walked away
    Left the country broken, now you want praise
    But who comes next from this selection of nothing?
    More of the same, just different clothing
    The damage is done, the trust is gone
    We’re breathing again… but the fight’s just begun

    Buh bye Keir, don’t let the door hit your chin
    Two Tier Keir, finally packing it in
    Captain Hindsight with your free gear and spin
    The country’s breathing — now the mess begins
    Buh bye Keir, what a legacy of pain
    Destroyed the farmers, froze out the old again
    Two Tier Keir, never here when we needed you most
    Just another suit selling lies coast to coast

    Buh bye Keir
    Buh bye Keir
    What a legacy
    What comes next?

    WHY THIS SONG EXISTS

    Buh-Bye Keir was written for the end of Keir Starmer’s premiership. After entering Downing Street following Labour’s landslide election victory in July 2024, Starmer announced his resignation in June 2026, less than two years later, following collapsing personal ratings and mounting political pressure. At his lowest point, Ipsos recorded just 13% satisfied with his performance and 79% dissatisfied, the lowest satisfaction rating in its prime-ministerial series dating back to 1977. RebelliousBard had spent much of those two years attacking Starmer’s government, so the resignation was never going to receive a dignified little farewell. This is the closing statement: good riddance to a prime minister RebelliousBard believes left the country worse than he found it, followed immediately by the rather less comforting question of what comes next.

    Please Sir, Can I Have Some More? RebelliousBard
  • The Face Of Entertainment

    The Face Of Entertainment



    PRE™

    Every signal needs a voice.
    Every audience prefers a face.

    The Face of Entertainment introduces the human figure at the centre of PRE’s public image. Presenter, performer, spokesman and reassurance mechanism become indistinguishable as familiarity is carefully converted into trust. His face appears wherever the signal requires it, offering comfort, distraction and something recognisably human to look at. PRE understands that people find systems easier to accept when somebody smiles while explaining them.

    The Face Of Entertainment



    ► PRE™ • The Face Of Entertainment • The Adjustment Period BUY
    TEXT

    Citizens you are witnessing premium entertainment infrastructure

    Front page face in fluorescent light
    Smile calibrated every night
    Chrome reflections on my teeth
    Selling comfort underneath

    Every billboard knows my name
    Every breakdown feeds the flame
    Neon heartbeat, corporate grace
    Perfect angles, perfect face

    Watch Me
    Trust Me
    Need Me
    Repeat

    I’m The Face Of Entertainment
    The sound inside your head
    I turn panic into rhythm
    Sell you comfort instead

    I’m The Face Of Entertainment
    Your favourite controlled disease
    If the signal starts to fail you
    Look at me and stay at ease

    Magazine gods and plastic saints
    Airbrush smiles and nervous paint
    Every camera loves the fall
    So I never stop at all

    Artificial superstar
    Still don’t know what people are
    Every room becomes my stage
    Every screen becomes my cage

    Watch me
    Love me
    Buy me
    Obey

    I’m The Face Of Entertainment
    The sound inside your walls
    Every lonely little heartbeat
    Echoes when the system calls

    I’m The Face Of Entertainment
    Your beautiful corporate scar
    If you feel yourself collapsing
    Just remember who you are

    I’m The Face Of Entertainment
    Static glory never ends
    Everybody needs a hero
    Even synthetic ones pretend

    Thank you for your continued admiration

    The Adjustment Period PRE™