Department For Watching Dinghies – BARD RECORDS https://bardrecords.co.uk Independent music. No algorithms required. Wed, 30 Sep 2026 11:07:16 +0000 en-GB hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1.3 https://bardrecords.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2026/07/cropped-BR-32x32.jpg Department For Watching Dinghies – BARD RECORDS https://bardrecords.co.uk 32 32 Department For Watching Dinghies https://bardrecords.co.uk/department-for-watching-dinghies/ Sat, 26 Sep 2026 08:01:00 +0000 https://bardrecords.co.uk/?p=3365

Welcome to the Department for Watching Dinghies.
Please do not confuse watching with stopping.

Department For Watching Dinghies was inspired by the reassuring discovery that Britain now has a Border Security Command capable of detecting, monitoring, reviewing and, occasionally, investigating why a boat has already arrived on the beach. Two uncontrolled landings on consecutive days produced the traditional response: concern, condemnation and an urgent review. The people responsible for border security were promptly asked to investigate what had gone wrong with border security, presumably after checking nobody else had been put in charge of it while they weren’t looking. Elsewhere, Border Force vessels were unavailable for another Channel incident, so the Coastguard called the RNLI. A charity turned up before the machinery of the state. Then came perhaps the finest reassurance of all: you can’t stop everything all of the time. Quite right. Nobody expects perfection. We had simply assumed the organisation called Border Security Command might occasionally lean towards the security part. Still, the drones can watch, the radar can detect, the screens can monitor and the Government can review. If all else fails, somebody can always stand on the beach and count them in. Welcome to the Department for Watching Dinghies. Please enjoy the view.


► BUY
EVIDENCE

We had a Border Force already
Apparently that wouldn’t do

So we formed a bigger command
With a bigger title too

Radar watching
Drones above us
Screens across the land

Monday one
Tuesday two

Both arrived
upon the sand

Monitor
Detect
Intercept
Respond

Very impressive wording

Something’s
clearly gone wrong

Welcome to the Department
For Watching Dinghies

Watching Dinghies
Watching Dinghies

Watch them leave
Watch them cross
Watch them coming into view

Then watch them reach the beach

And launch
an urgent review

Home Secretary
Hits the roof

“This is not acceptable”

Orders Border Security Command

To investigate itself

Find the flaw
Write the report
Promise better next time

“You can’t stop everything
all of the time”

Oh.

Everything’s fine.

Review
Report
Explain
Respond

Nothing says
“We’re in control”

Like asking
what went wrong

Welcome to the Department
For Watching Dinghies

Watching Dinghies
Watching Dinghies

Watch them leave
Watch them cross
Watch them coming into view

Then watch them reach the beach

And launch
an urgent review

Border vessels unavailable.

Coastguard calls the lifeboats.

Charity arrives.

State arrives later.

Excellent command.

Can’t stop boats?

Create a taskforce

Taskforce fails?

Create command

Command falls short?

Commission findings

Findings say:

Create a plan

New surveillance
New technology

Lessons learned
We understand

Funny how securing borders

Needs everything

Except
securing them

Welcome to the Department
For Watching Dinghies

Watching Dinghies
Watching Dinghies

Monitor
Detect

Observe
Admire

Track them all the way

Then meet them on the sand

And proudly say

“You can’t stop everything
all of the time.”

Perhaps…

Border Observation Command?

No.

Bit too honest.

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