Welcome to the Department for Watching Dinghies.
Please do not confuse watching with stopping.
Department For Watching Dinghies was inspired by the reassuring discovery that Britain now has a Border Security Command capable of detecting, monitoring, reviewing and, occasionally, investigating why a boat has already arrived on the beach. Two uncontrolled landings on consecutive days produced the traditional response: concern, condemnation and an urgent review. The people responsible for border security were promptly asked to investigate what had gone wrong with border security, presumably after checking nobody else had been put in charge of it while they weren’t looking. Elsewhere, Border Force vessels were unavailable for another Channel incident, so the Coastguard called the RNLI. A charity turned up before the machinery of the state. Then came perhaps the finest reassurance of all: you can’t stop everything all of the time. Quite right. Nobody expects perfection. We had simply assumed the organisation called Border Security Command might occasionally lean towards the security part. Still, the drones can watch, the radar can detect, the screens can monitor and the Government can review. If all else fails, somebody can always stand on the beach and count them in. Welcome to the Department for Watching Dinghies. Please enjoy the view.
We had a Border Force already
Apparently that wouldn’t do
So we formed a bigger command
With a bigger title too
Radar watching
Drones above us
Screens across the land
Monday one
Tuesday two
Both arrived
upon the sand
Monitor
Detect
Intercept
Respond
Very impressive wording
Something’s
clearly gone wrong
Welcome to the Department
For Watching Dinghies
Watching Dinghies
Watching Dinghies
Watch them leave
Watch them cross
Watch them coming into view
Then watch them reach the beach
And launch
an urgent review
Home Secretary
Hits the roof
“This is not acceptable”
Orders Border Security Command
To investigate itself
Find the flaw
Write the report
Promise better next time
“You can’t stop everything
all of the time”
Oh.
Everything’s fine.
Review
Report
Explain
Respond
Nothing says
“We’re in control”
Like asking
what went wrong
Welcome to the Department
For Watching Dinghies
Watching Dinghies
Watching Dinghies
Watch them leave
Watch them cross
Watch them coming into view
Then watch them reach the beach
And launch
an urgent review
Border vessels unavailable.
Coastguard calls the lifeboats.
Charity arrives.
State arrives later.
Excellent command.
Can’t stop boats?
Create a taskforce
Taskforce fails?
Create command
Command falls short?
Commission findings
Findings say:
Create a plan
New surveillance
New technology
Lessons learned
We understand
Funny how securing borders
Needs everything
Except
securing them
Welcome to the Department
For Watching Dinghies
Watching Dinghies
Watching Dinghies
Monitor
Detect
Observe
Admire
Track them all the way
Then meet them on the sand
And proudly say
“You can’t stop everything
all of the time.”
Perhaps…
Border Observation Command?
No.
Bit too honest.