Two opposition leaders.
One historic agreement. Zero governments.
Non-PM takes aim at the political theatre of Nigel Farage and Jordan Bardella presenting a future UK–France agreement while neither currently leads the country he proposes to negotiate for. Flags, handshakes and an impressively large piece of paper make it look like diplomacy has already happened. RebelliousBard merely notices the small complication: first they have to win the elections.
Birmingham hall, a metre-high scroll
Two men in suits who don’t run a thing
One’s the PM of Clacton-on-Sea
The other’s the PM of someday, maybe
They call it a treaty, they call it entente
It’s a photocopied handshake with a fancy font
Stand for the anthem of things that might be
If the French vote right and we wait till ’29
Non-PM signs with a non-PM
World peace in a conference hall
Stop the boats forever, lads
Subject to winning, subject to law
Subject to voters agreeing at all
Subject to both of them winning their side
And nobody laughing too hard in the stalls
Lecornu’s still in Matignon, government intact
Macron still decides what France actually signs
Bardella brought tomorrow dressed up as today
Farage brought Downing Street without winning the keys
They signed it on stage like Versailles in June
Then went for a photo and a warm pale ale
Promise the Channel will finally behave
If two opposition parties both get their way
Non-PM signs with a non-PM
Historic, historic, historic again
Returns and costs shared, boats turned around
Once they’ve got keys and a working plan
Till then it’s a banner and a standing ovation
And tomorrow the dinghies still leave as they can
It’s not diplomacy, it’s cosplay with flags
A memorandum of understanding the gag
They’ll visit in October, they’ll toast and they’ll pose
While the real PMs keep doing the prose
You can frame it and hang it, you can call it a pact
It’s a government agreement minus the governments
Non-PM signs with a non-PM
The new entente cordiale of pretend
Stop the boats forever — asterisk, fine print
If the stars align and the voters consent
We clapped in the hall like it already worked
Then went home and watched the same boats as before
Giant paper, tiny power
See you in ’27
Or ’29
Whichever comes never